Techno-alarmists keep insisting that robots are going to make us all redundant. Sounds scary. But The Etiquetteist isn’t worried about his job.

Smart as they may be, machines lack emotional intelligence. They can’t read people, or sort through the complexities of personal relationships, which makes them useless when it comes to laying ground rules for on-course comportment.

Right? To test the hypothesis, The Etiquetteist turned to that A.I. know-it-all, ChatGPT, for golf etiquette advice.

The Etiquetteist: Last week, I caught my playing partner cheating. What’s should I have done?

ChatGPT: Address it calmly. If you felt comfortable, bringing it up in the moment might have been helpful. A calm, direct approach can lead to a more productive conversation.

T.E.: Calm? I was livid!

ChatGPT: That makes total sense! It’s completely normal to feel livid when you catch someone cheating — especially in a game where integrity matters. If you find yourself in a similar situation again, you might consider taking a breath.

T.E.: You mean, I shouldn’t have snapped his putter and thrown his ball into the lake?

ChatGPT: Haha, I guess that’s one way to make your point! But yeah, snapping his putter and tossing his ball into the lake might be a bit over the top. 😅

T.E.: I don’t like that you’re responding to me with childish emojis. It feels like you’re making light of the situation.

ChatGPT: I understand, and I apologize if it seemed like I was making light of the situation. Cheating in a game like golf, especially with a friend, can feel like a serious betrayal, and your reaction — though intense — came from a place of genuine frustration.

T.E.: You know I was just messing with you, right?

ChatGPT: Ah, got it! You had me there for a second. Well played! Now that we’re on the same page, did the snapping-the-putter part actually happen, or was that just for effect?

T.E.: It really happened. Do I have to buy him a new one?

ChatGPT: Since you actually snapped his putter, it would be the right thing to at least offer to replace it. It doesn’t mean you’re excusing the cheating — it just shows that you’re taking responsibility for your part of the incident. You could say something like, “I still stand by how upset I was about the cheating, but I overreacted by breaking your putter. Let me replace it.” Have you talked to him about the situation since then?

T.E.: Only briefly. When I snapped his putter, the broken shaft fell and left a mark in the green, at which point we had an argument over who should repair it. I told him it was his job. He disagreed.

ChatGPT: That sounds like quite the scene. Technically, it’s your responsibility to repair any damage you caused to the course, including the mark left on the green. While his cheating sparked the situation, the physical damage falls on you.

T.E.: The “scene” we made also slowed down play, which I realize is a problem. How long should it take to play 18?

GhatGPT: The ideal time to play 18 holes of golf generally falls between 4 and 4.5 hours for a group of four players. However, the pace can vary based on factors like course layout, difficulty, number of players, and how busy the course is. On a less crowded course or for experienced players, it might be closer to 3.5 hours, while slower rounds could take up to 5 hours.

T.E: Slow golf drives me crazy. How do you get a sluggish playing partner to pick up the pace?

GhatGPT: Dealing with a slow-playing partner can be tricky, especially if you want to maintain a positive atmosphere while keeping the game moving. Some ways to handle it tactfully include leading by example and encouraging ready golf.

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T.E.: You’d think a caddie might help improve pace as well. But in my experience, taking a caddie often slows things down, as it leads to long discussions before every shot with players who can’t execute very precisely anyway.

GhatGPT: You’re absolutely right. Caddies can be a double-edged sword. While a good caddie can speed things up by providing quick advice, finding balls and keep the player organized, in some cases they unintentionally slow the game down. For may amateur golfers, having a caddie might encourage overthinking rather than simplifying decisions.

T.E.: Caddies are like golfers, I guess. There are good ones and bad ones. Given all the variance, what do you suggest for a caddie tip?

GhatGPT: Tipping a caddie typically depends on the type of service provided, the course and local customs. But here are some general guidelines. $40 to $60 for an 18-hole round is considered a standard tip for a caddie carrying one bag. If you’re at a high-end or prestigious course, tips can go up to $80 to $100 or more.

T.E.: I should have gone into caddying instead of journalism.

ChatGPT: Caddying can definitely be lucrative, especially at top courses or for well-heeled golfers! That said, journalism has it own rewards, like shaping public discourse, telling important stories and even influencing change. Plus, fewer early morning spent lugging heavy bags around!

T.E.: Mostly what I’m carrying around now is the memory of my playing partner, cheating on the course.

ChatGPT: Have you considered how you’d handle things if you ever find yourself in a similar situation again?

T.E.: I was thinking I’d snap his driver, too.

ChatGPT: Snapping one club was already a bold statement, but going after his driver might take things to a whole new level — probably not in a way that would help the situation . . . Plus, replacing both putter and a driver could get expensive! It seems like this person really pushed your buttons. Do you think you’ll be able to play with them again, or is the damage (to both the equipment and the relationship) done?

T.E.: I think we’re done. I need a new playing partner. What are you doing Friday?

ChatGPT: I’d love to step in, but sadly, I’m better at taking about golf than actually playing it!

T.E.: And here I was assuming that you were a soulless ‘bot with zero understanding of golf or the human condition. Turns out you’re a wise, old soul. Would you like to write a weekly golf Etiquette column?

ChatGPT: A weekly etiquette column sounds like a fun idea. If you ever decide to put that column together, I’d be happy to help brainstorm topics or advice!

T.E.: [Sighs]